Friday, March 20, 2009

A Modest Proposal: STEAL

In the spirit of retroactive 90% taxation of AIG bonuses, I propose legislation to deal with all such evil income in the future.

Under my proposed Social Taxation of Evil Avaricious Lucre Act (STEAL) all such income will be taxed at a 70% under $250,000, 90% between $250,000 and $1,000,000 and 110% above $1,000,000.

I can hear the evil rich Republican naysayers now. “110%? That’s confiscation!” To which I say . . . damn right, it is. People so evil as make over $1,000,000 in a manner not approved by Congress should be thankful we are so merciful as not to take all their past income.

Oh, speaking of past income, I forgot. The STEAL Act taxes all evil income since George Bush became president . . . that’s the elder George Bush, by the way.

Of course, there is the issue of what income is evil and what is not. That will be determined by an administration yet to be named (Hint, hint.). But evil income will most certainly include income from oil, coal, pharmaceuticals, tobacco, guns, meat, (That includes restaurants so evil as to serve meat.), any business that uses animal testing, non-unionized businesses, Republican activities, polluting industries and businesses, banks, hedge funds, Anglican churches and organizations not affiliated with The Episcopal Church, investments in unapproved industries, un-organic agriculture, fast or other unhealthy food, investment advice that subverts Obama’s policies (That means you, Jim Cramer.), FOX News or any other unapproved media, any income used to contribute to unapproved so-called charities, and whatever we determine at a later date.

We don’t want this getting too complicated, however. So, in the spirit of tax simplification, all income over $250,000 is evil (unless you buy a loophole with some really fat contributions to key Democrats, of course).

Further, I propose we dispense with show trials committee hearings and pass the STEAL Act post haste because our avarice anger is so self-righteous and because nobody has the political backbone to stop us.

Does anyone dare to disagree with me and be vilified? Any comments?

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